TRIAGE FOR THE PRODIGAL GOLFER

 

Preamble

The twilight years present increasing challenges to health professionals. With the number of seniors doubling every second in the lucky country and their associated delusions and denials regarding the acceptance of reality becoming the rule rather than the exception, the crucial task of coal face providers lies in accurate diagnoses and prioritising of the fuckin’ old farts’ conditions.

Unsightly ‘canteen lady’ upper arms and pot bellies need to be called out at first point of contact if only to alleviate subsequent downstream blockages in the process. Yes, the arse may look big on the first consultation but it will certainly look much bigger at the sixth meeting with an associate (after the disprins have been administered) if prudent strategies aren’t instigated on initial inspection.

The demographical focus

Many ‘sixty-plus’ individuals choose to confront large blocks of vacant time by revisiting activities and endeavours that once had meaning and provided enjoyment in their earlier lives. They often have heroic memories of their skills/ capabilities in these areas and it is due to this signature feature that many of the ensuing conditions arise.

Please note, there are no significant gender-specific factors that come into play within the group but professionals should be coiled to deal with the following typical post-involvement scenarios:

·         Old shits swinging clubs/ bats or gardening implements with little effect but with maximum stress on prone body parts.

·         Leghorns with line dancing injuries, especially to the hips where muscle resistance to increased weights may be dramatically compromised.

·         Cognitive misinterpretation of punters’ stares not as flares for the disbelief that they’re still mobile but rather as a ‘take that to the bank’ indicator of continuing attractiveness. This should routinely be treated as a serious brain injury.

·         Whale watching neck strains coupled with severe perceptual disorders concerning being able to recognise the difference between white caps and the actual mammals breaching.

·         Arm tendon issues caused by relentlessly taking selfies for family, unfortunate friends and any poor fucker who happens to be in the vicinity when ‘sharing’ is celebrated.

·         Sphincter tears resulting from ill-considered testing of wooden rocking horses constructed in men’s sheds.

·         On-again/ off-again (but rapidly decreasing) boot camp adventures and associated lacerations and punctures.

In particular- the returning golfer

The prodigal golfer offers a distinct profile to health providers. In most cases, fogeys infesting waiting rooms can be fobbed off by handing over a few aspirins but, with more serious concerns, a multi-disciplinary approach is recommended. G.P.s, shrinks, psychologists and even a couple of psychoanalysis primers all become useful when dealing with these withered nut jobs.

Driver Distancing Dementia- This is a common ailment of creaky golfers, especially the mug who has returned to the game after decades in the work wilderness. Your patient will complain about how the distance markers on each hole are in the wrong position and that they routinely underestimate the length of his/ her drives. The patient will provide oral recounts detailing how referrals to pro shop staff members and/or the greens’ committee go unheeded and that games are spoilt by the lack of attention to course detail. Recent research points to a close association between D.D.D. and latent concerns about the length of one’s tonk (in the case of males) or the size of one’s arse (for females) but further studies are needed in these areas before gold standard treatments can be instigated. While the original status may seem vital to your patient, a few sharp raps to the head (on the top of the body you clot, not the areas just referred to) should normally return him/ her to an acceptable default setting.

Ping Putter Syndrome- Also known as P.P.S., this syndrome forces the sufferer to focus on his/ her equipment as the variable that accounts for fuck-level performances on the links. The efficacy of the patient’s putter is the obvious starting point but the condition can also incorporate angst surrounding wedges, the driver and various recovery woods. You can expect to hear robust language from the patient as he/ she presents a salty monologue on why they need a new club or clubs. Suggestions that a golf lesson or two might suffice should NOT be mentioned during these initial sessions. Such counselling can be counterproductive as the sixty-plus denial processes run their full course.

Foraging and compulsion disorders- As the golfer reacquaints himself/ herself with the game, it soon becomes apparent that past glories and attainments (if they ever existed in the first place) won’t be emulated as the void nears. To compensate, the farts will realign their attention to looking for golf balls or polishing clubs. In fact, the occurrence of these latter behaviours is inversely proportional to the quality/ standard of the patient’s game. As playing ability and scores wane, compulsive disorders that target the golf bag, ball retrieval and loitering around lateral hazards increase. Health professionals should mobilise psychiatric help immediately once a patient displaying these symptoms presents in the waiting rooms.

To conclude….

The burgeoning sexy sixty set here in Australia crashes head on with both the capacities and nerve of our public health systems. The self-generated positive imaging of the boomer sub-group mounts dramatically increasing demands on health providers to aid and abet their delusions of grandeur and relevance in a fast changing society. The best advice that can be given to shop front providers is to have a generous supply of handheld mirrors available, industrial strength ear muffs at the ready and a hi-vis arrow pointing in the direction of the abyss. Those 60+ers will need that range finding aid sooner than most.

 

-COMING SOON-

Jeff Beck’s ‘Truth’- A 50th anniversary homage